I Thought I Was a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Realize the Truth

In 2011, several years prior to the celebrated David Bowie display opened at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I came out as a gay woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, including one I had wed. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a freshly divorced caregiver to four kids, living in the America.

At that time, I had started questioning both my gender identity and romantic inclinations, looking to find clarity.

Born in England during the dawn of the seventies era - before the internet. During our youth, my friends and I lacked access to Reddit or video sharing sites to reference when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; instead, we turned toward music icons, and during the 80s, everyone was challenging gender norms.

The iconic vocalist sported male clothing, Boy George adopted girls' clothes, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured artists who were publicly out.

I wanted his slender frame and sharp haircut, his strong features and male chest. I sought to become the Berlin-era Bowie

Throughout the 90s, I lived operating a motorcycle and wearing androgynous clothing, but I returned to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My husband moved our family to the US in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an powerful draw returning to the male identity I had previously abandoned.

Given that no one played with gender quite like David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a summer trip returning to England at the V&A, hoping that possibly he could guide my understanding.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was searching for when I walked into the show - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, as a result, discover a insight into my true nature.

Before long I was positioned before a small television screen where the film clip for "the iconic song" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while to the side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the drag queens I had witnessed firsthand, these female-presenting individuals weren't sashaying around the stage with the poise of natural performers; rather they looked disinterested and irritated. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the supporting artists, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They seemed to experience as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were longing for it all to conclude. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Shocker. (Of course, there were further David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I desired to rip it all off and become Bowie too. I craved his lean physique and his precise cut, his strong features and his flat chest; I aimed to personify the slim-silhouetted, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as gay was a separate matter, but gender transition was a significantly scarier outlook.

I required additional years before I was willing. In the meantime, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my women's clothing, cut off my hair and commenced using masculine outfits.

I sat differently, changed my stride, and modified my personal references, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the potential for denial and remorse had left me paralysed with fear.

When the David Bowie exhibition finished its world tour with a presentation in New York City, following that period, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Positioned before the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been presenting artificially all his life. I aimed to transition into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I could.

I made arrangements to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. It took further time before my transformation concluded, but none of the fears I feared materialized.

I maintain many of my feminine mannerisms, so people often mistake me for a homosexual male, but I accept this. I sought the ability to play with gender following Bowie's example - and given that I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.